On a nice Saturday afternoon, Thelma comes home to present before her parents the man whom she finally agreed to pitch her tent with…
(Knock on door.)
Papa Thelma: (from inside) Come in, it’s open!
(Thelma struts in with mystery man.)
Thelma: Daddy, good afternoon, sir. (Bows respectfully.)
Mystery man: (bows in like manner) Good afternoon, sir.
Papa Thelma: Ehen, afternoon, afternoon. Please, sit. Look at my small T-girl that used to bedwet anyhow o. She’s now a big woman!
Thelma: (shyly) Daddy!! Stop nau. You are embarrassing me.
Papa Thelma: (laughs) Oya sorry, big woman. How are you nau? This your hair is fine sha o.
Thelma: (giggles) Thank you, sir. And I’m fine. How have you been nau? And how is mummy? Is she around?
Papa Thelma: I’m fine o. Your mother, too. She should be back from the market anytime soon. You just ran off to Abuja, and refused to call me and your mother everyday like you promised. You think the small small money you send us will bribe our minds to forget that promise, okwia?
Thelma: (laughs) Daddy, but I call at least twice a week nau. Is that not fair enough, eh?
Papa Thelma: When your mother comes back, you ask her that one. Wait ehn, so I should I kill fifteen cows for you before you introduce who you came with, abi?
Thelma: Ah-ah nau, Daddy, I was going to! Well, he is Pastor Jake, my fiancé. (Smiles and turns to Jake) Jake, meet my Dad.
Jake: It’s my pleasure to meet you, sir. She won’t stop talking about you and how wonderful you are.
Papa Thelma: (smiles) Ah, is that so?
Jake: (smiles) Yes, sir.
Papa Thelma: So, you are a pastor, eh? What church is that? And is that where you met my daughter?
Jake: Yes, I am a pastor, sir. I pastor a church in the United States. A Pentecostal church, sir. I met your daughter when I came to Nigeria for a prayer conference last year. And that was my first time visiting this lovely country.
Papa Thelma: Inukwa! That is lovely o. You have been speaking supri-supri like an Americana since. Now I know why! But, bia, I hope you are not among all those ‘sherimama’ pastors.
Thelma: Haba, Daddy!
(The door opens and Mama Thelma enters.)
Mama Thelma: Chim o! Who am I seeing? Jake Steed!!???? Oh my God! Jake. Steed! (Freaking out.)
Thelma & Papa Thelma: WHAT!!??
Jake: (mutters disappointedly under his breath) Ah, shit.
Thelma: Mummy, what are you talking about?
Mama Thelma: How did you meet this pornstar?
Thelma & Papa Thelma: WHAT!!??
Thelma: (turns to Jake) What is she talking about?
Jake: (wears a sober countenance) Baby, I was meaning to tell you that. All that was in my past, before I gave my life to Christ. I swear, I’m a changed man now.
Thelma: (stands up, livid) How many women have you slept with?
Jake: (in a low, convincing tone) Baby, all that is in the past.
Thelma: (yelling) HOW MANY WOMEN HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH!!??
Jake: (with a mellow voice) A-ab-about 201 women in 86 different scenes.
(Thelma shits herself and faints.)
Papa Thelma: (springs up from his seat in boiling rage) Look here, Jake or whatever you call yourself, if I come out here and meet you, your blood will be on your head! (Runs into the bedroom.)
(Jake immediately stands up and flees the living room.)
Papa Thelma: (rushes out with a pump-action) Where is that bastard!?? WHERE IS HE!!??
Mama Thelma: (rises from trying to resuscitate Thelma on the floor) Ah! Easy, Papa T-girl. Easy, please.
Papa Thelma: (fuming) You, how did you get to know that bastard is an actor of blue feem? HOW!? (Barking)
Mama Thelma: (fidgeting) F-F-From time to t-time, I-I-I watch blue feem on that ph-phone Thelma bou-bou-bought for me.
Papa Thelma: Now, join him!
Mama Thelma: (taken aback) Wh-wh-what!?
Papa Thelma: Woman, I will not repeat myself!
Mama Thelma: (sweating profusely) Bu-But eez only b-b-blue feem I-I-I watch, I did not k-k-kill somebody n-nau.
(Papa Thelma corks his pump-action.)
Mama Thelma takes off running, her heels slapping against the back of her head.
Did you hear the one about the couch potato? Me neither. I was too lazy to listen.